In chatting with family, friends, casual acquaintances and some “new meets”, I have learned, by their shares, some of the things that they believe, place “bumps” in the road of dating…causing detours. Admittedly, some placed by “them” and others by their “dates”. With their concerns, merged with some of mine, there appears an abundance of interesting causes of bumpy roads and detours for us to consider. See what you think. Does anything resonate with you?

As we review some of these potential “bumps” in the road, perhaps we will learn something about ourselves or our dates that will prove enlightening. Maybe even spotlight providing. At the very least, we have things to explore, consider, reconsider…maybe encounter something that makes us more understanding and perhaps even provide us ways we can possibly improve our own dating mindset. Here we go…

1. ANTICIPATING RESULTS.

Like one of my Dad’s favorite expressions: “Don’t Put Your Cart In Front of Your Horse”. More often than not, I think this ends up with disappointment. No one out there (at least not me, or anyone I have dated) is a proficient mind reader. Some people do this before even having the first date. Never mind that…some people do this before finding “the one” to date. Often done by setting deadlines for themselves. Such as: “I am going to land the guy/gal of my dreams tonight at the club…” or “If I am not married by the time I am…”. In my opinion, a recipe for disaster, as “they” say.

Sometimes in the case of online dating, the connection created with just the written word (we all know the power of a good book) can be so exciting that the parties start anticipating “their” future…before they even have the “first meet”. People have shared stories of discussions that they have had prior to the “first meet” that have ranged from planning trips together, to meeting their families, to “why don’t you check out the job market in my area” (I’ve personally experienced the job one) or to the actual discussion of future living arrangements. BEFORE the “first meet”…what are we thinking??

2. DATING MANNERS.

Now I am not referring to: holding doors open (though I LOVE when a guy opens the car door for me. I don’t know what it is about that.), or napkins in laps or using the right fork (ahh, great scene in Pretty Woman!). This topic seemed to resonate and hit two particular areas. By far, the most common concerns. The Thank You and The Bill.

The Thank You. I have a family member that shared with me (and they were not the only one that felt this way), their “no excuses” for the lack of…at least the “thank you”. Whether the “thank you” comes at the time of “picking up the tab” or somewhere during the date or even at the very end of the date…to them, it ABSOLUTELY needs to be there. If it isn’t, no matter what “A CATCH” you might be or HOW good looking you are, it doesn’t matter. They will NEVER ask you out again.

The Bill. Let’s discuss that. Who IS responsible for that? I know several woman, that will never, EVER pick up a tab or even offer to do so. I do not believe there is a set, stead-fast rule that applies here.

I have a personal theory about this though. (I hope you don’t mind me sharing.) I feel the party that does the inviting, should ultimately be responsible for picking up the tab. HOWEVER, I sincerely want to emphasize…this does not mean to me, that the offer to “pitch in” has to be stifled. You could offer to split the tab or perhaps contribute some random amount or take care of the tip, etc.

Now, if it was a mutual decision to meet for coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever it may be…not one party should be responsible for paying the bill. I think that should be an automatic split. I should add here, that if the other party generously offers to pick it up, no one should feel insulted, only thankful for their generosity if chosen to accept it. If I solely extend the first invite (I recall doing this on a particular occasion), I expect to pick up the tab.

In my personal experience, I have found there are different types of reactions to the offer of pitching in money.

There are guys that will absolutely not take any form of contribution. And there are the ones, that will say: “Sure!” There are those that will say things such as: You can get it next time. Or…Next time you can cook for me. (lol! that one always gets me!). Then there are those that will allow you to maybe say…cover the tip.

I have even experienced the guy (this was only once) that left the check laying on the table, never looking at it, after inviting me to dinner (though somehow he managed to make me pick the restaurant), like I was going to pick up the entire tab. I recall looking down at the bill and up at him, then back at the bill…and wondering where to go with that. I reached for my purse, and I remember cocking my head to one side, and I hesitated before saying anything more and he said: “So, you want to split the bill?” I replied with: “Sure.” That was the first awkward moment during the entire date. Shocking right?! (of course every moment AFTER that was awkward) No, really, he was an incredible dater. Smart, pleasant, handsome, attentive, seemingly interested…but apparently a “pro” at the casual dating arrangement. I’ll tell you the “damper” that exchange threw on the night, assured me, that I had NO intention of there ever being another date for the two of us.

I remember one night, when I met this guy at a local restaurant (we remain casual friends to this day). The owner of the restaurant introduced us, as he thought we would get along. The guy was new to the area, and well, let’s face it, I’m chatty.

Anyway, our conversation quickly found its way to both being single and dating. He actually seemed a bit upset about it. It turned out, he had just been out with a new date earlier and was aggravated by her behavior. Actually he was apparently aggravated by the behavior of ALL his recent dates. He asked me: “Who said the guy HAS to pay for everything?” He went on with: “She didn’t even offer to pay for coffee!”

I was quickly trying to put the pieces together. I was guessing coffee first, and they must have liked each other and moved onto dinner somewhere. He continued on and on about the expectations women put on men. He did add in somewhere along the way, that he didn’t really mind picking up the bill in the end, but was put off by the fact it appeared, assumed that he would pay. He said: “No one ever offers.”

He had ordered me a coffee while we were sitting there chatting (they put it on his tab). You bet your a##, I left money under my coffee cup before I headed out! lol!

I believe the consensus on this was…The Offer. The offer to contribute toward payment of the bill for your time out together.

3. IMPACT OF INATTENTION.

How is it that inattention, on one hand can draw more attention out of people? Then on the other hand, drive people away?

Even Jackson (you remember him, Mr. Delicious J3) experiences this. Unbelievable, isn’t it? Now, I don’t think it is in the same fashion that my gals and I might experience it, but nonetheless, I find this interesting.

He told me, it’s always the girls that are hardest to pin down for a date or are slow at returning his calls, that end up getting the most attention out of him. I don’t know the girls. I don’t know if they are playing “hard to get” or they are “hard to get”, lol!! Or if they are maybe, just not that interested in Jackson or a relationship with any guy. Whatever the reason...it is an unexplainable “turn on” for Jackson. And I guess he is not alone with how he feels.

I personally, am not a fan of this behavior, if it is intentional. I’m not a fan, if it isn’t either. If you are not attentive (to some acceptable degree), I would assume that “it” wasn’t all that important and think, we should “pass” on it. The whole “hard to get” thing, I don’t understand. I’m so much a “what you see is what you get”, that this rubs me the wrong way. Not a game player. And I feel the same about being the recipient of behavior that appears to be generated by this attempt to “sneakily” get more of my attention. It won’t. But, the put on, apparently works for some. Perhaps creating a “challenge”.

This one leaves me, scratching my head. What about you?

HERE ARE A FEW MORE WE DISCUSSED, TO CONSIDER.

4. EXCUSES.

Making excuses for them, and/or making excuses for ourselves. The concept of needing to make excuses for anyone, implies to me, something is not right and we shouldn’t ignore it.

5. LACK OF EFFORT.

This is more than being inattentive. This is the lack of effort stemming from your core. Like, the constantly leaving all the plan making, phone calls, sweet talk to the other party. I realize some people feel they should let the other party “take the lead”…but there has to be a limit.

Then there are those people that give up so easily. If it doesn’t just “fall in their lap”…WTH. (wouldn’t it be great if it always did?!) I have witnessed this on several occasions. They don’t even seem to realize they are putting in, minimal to no effort.

Like the online dating “swiper”. Not even reading the profile. What if it says they don’t want a LTR? There could be obvious deal breakers there that could save you future heartache. WTH. Or the “on and off” like a switch dater. Break up, Make up. Break up, Make up. OR…On and off the site. Why bother being there at all, if you are going to inactivate your account every other day? Or every other hour?

6. MAKING ASSUMPTIONS.

We should be careful with this one. We should not assume what someone else is feeling. We truly only know, what WE are feeling. If something is bothering us or is a concern, we need to be considerate in our approach to addressing it. I think this should apply in our everyday life, not strictly dating. We are, in my humble opinion, only qualified to speak of our behavior and our feelings. I don’t think anyone likes to feel like they are being attacked or insulted or the most common thread I am finding is…feeling like that disappointed you.

I think this particular topic could use some further discussion, in the near future.

BUMBLE UPDATES.

I did let J4 (TV Guy) know that though I thoroughly enjoyed meeting and corresponding with him, this would not be going further. We had a very nice parting exchange. I felt bad when he told me, he felt we had a good connection and he was saddened by my choice. He was kind and wished me luck, and let me know, if I ever changed my mind, he would welcome me contacting him again. Nice man.

B1 (The Giver) and I are still seeing each other. I am trying to stay open-minded and positive about this, as I do like him very much. Though we are in contact often, we do not actually see each other much. The pace of this, is probably going to be too slow for me. Though truly, his compassion for others in need, moves me, and I am definitely attracted to him, I don’t see how we can learn enough about each other and our interacting and how we might fit together, not seeing each other more often. Staying at level one, does not feel too promising to me.

I would love to hear anything you feel moved to share. Please feel free to comment, share your stories, feelings, etc.

Until Next Thursday…Take Care. Adrienne